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Epicentre Nights

by Croydon Tourist Office

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1.
Scaffolding Poles 01:41
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It's funny coming through the park They've got this uh Sort of like this bridge they built over the um Stream thing there and It's got ah I mean they made it from uh Scaffolding poles And it's sort of over the Over the stream there But they got a regular bridge right next to it This sort of hastily built construction site scaffolding poles kind of thing Uh it's all right It's got handrails and everything But um I wouldn't trust it I'd probably just go on the normal bridge because uh You know why Why have a new bridge out of scaffolding when you got the uh Got a normal one right there I suppose I mean that's That's if I want to go over the stream in the first place I could just walk round it I suppose It's no big deal Not that I uh Not that I go in the uh Park much these days it's It's too wide open for me
2.
A Mouse that Wishes to be a Cat 08:00
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Here are some words which should exist Polygdominium Amphibiotus Sagonsiderbrulation Floblop Combupew Boyderation Phraw Hipslop Kalobalob I'm gonna get serious Hesitation is the enemy of aspiration But is aspiration simply a deviation of the norm? As such, is a mouse that wishes to be a cat Any less likely to be dinner for the cat? Probably not Well, whatever Just thinking out loud Oh dear I know I shouldn't have liked the colour blue, but I always did
3.
Three Bears 02:14
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Once upon a time There we three Bears Mummy Bear Daddy Bear And little Baby Bear Mummy Bear cooked some breakfast A big old load of porridge And she said Come on, you lot. I've cooked some porridge. Do you want to come and eat it And they said I dunno Might be too hot Why don't you check So she check the porridge And indeed it was Rather warm So she said to the Baby Bear What are you doing He said I'm playing on my Xbox And she said to Daddy Bear What are you doing And he said I'm watching Police Interceptors on Channel 5 Recorded from last night So she said Is anyone here interested in breakfast They said Not right at the moment No So she said Sod it I'm going out to McDonald's for a double sausage and egg McMuffin meal And then a car boot sale So she did
4.
My Own God/Warships in South Wales 06:42
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You are witnessed here to a miracle You are witnessed to the lyrically spiritual Musical tantra Put you in a trance like a mantra Metaphysical mystical lyrical Full circle It’s a mandala painted before your ears Surrender Hear me strike Like a panther Didn’t hear the question but I know the answer I understand the truth seems strange I understand I might seem deranged But the truth is we all share in Brahman And every step we take we step away from nirvana I don’t wanna live no longer If I can’t find a world on which I wander So please allow me to ponder As our souls are squandered I am Brahman I am swanky I am doing you a favor but you’ll never thank me The only wars I’ll fight are in my own mind Because psychosis and enlightenment stand side by side Trust me I tried to accept your help But the truth is there some stuff I have to do by myself I don’t need your religion I don’t need the Lord I only need myself Cuz I’m my own God Many warships Were built Secretly Just north of Cardiff In the hills Big Big warships Huge big Warships The only trouble was They couldn’t exactly Bring them down Because they’re all so big And stuck in the hills And valleys Of South Wales Rather great big warships But one of them fit in a shed To be honest it’s middle sized And it didn’t come from Wales And it mows the lawn Come to think or it it might be a lawn mower Bloody cats Bloody cats
5.
Alien Invasion 01:53
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Aphrodite Troll Puddle Latte Microsoft Barnacle Poodle Egyptian Badgers Picard Landlord Uncle Woollen Roger Aphrodite Troll Puddle Latte Microsoft Barnacle Poodle Egyptian Badgers Picard Landlord Uncle Woollen Roger There's a man who's going into the estate agent. I think his name is Phil.
6.
Mahogany 06:55
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Mahogany Zoo Pandas Trampoline Trampoline Anne Boleyn Bus pulled in It becomes Anne Boleyn Dressed in A mahogany wardrobe Car parks With a very small key Carbon filing Pandas walking together Into the sunset Mortgage valuation Softly she said Sketchy tree Branching out Branching in Antelope Which reminds me Of the time a penguin went into a pub in Belfast We don’t see many penguins here Mahogany Wardrobe Mahogany So what you looking for mister penguin I’m looking for my brother Flapjacks So what does he look like Squishy And too soft for comfort Chocolate Choco latte Quanto costano Que Bournemouth Que tal Supper Fish Fish supper Eye eye Aeroplane banking Aerolots Pylons Mahogany WH Auden’s mahogany face Stretches into pylons Dry cleaning Two for one WH Auden Peter Porter John Dunne Two for one The great lakes The almost great lakes Atchoo Bless you And all the pandas Sniff And from that one sneeze China caught a cold Funeral Mahogany funeral Mahogany Silence Clouds Sticklebacks Fish And Chip Suppers Twice With mushy peas Two mahogany sandwiches please You want fries with that Goes without saying Fish Lazy fish Kippers Kippers and soldiers Kippers That one over there Kippers It’s not worth it John It’s not worth it It’s only a kipper Kippers That’s what you say Kippers! As if All gone If I’ve seen one kipper I’ve in fact seen about thirty All gone Since Tuesday I think I’ll got back to Sidcup No more kippers Ever None That’s you’re lot tosh Ta ta Au revoir Thanks for all the kippers And then there was silence
7.
The Other Song 02:38
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You are listening to the sounds of chaos Travelling from Devizes to Upavon On the A342 One encounters a monument on the slopes Of Etchilhampton Hill Where a minor road turns off towards The village of Etchilhampton It commemorates James Long Of Urchfont Who in 1768 Promoted a new road From Nursteed in Devizes To Lydeway in Urchfont The gradient on the existing road Turnpiked under the first Wiltshite Turnpike act of 1707 For the Devizes to Upavon road Had proved too steep Being on the higher slopes Of Etchilhampton Hill The road of 1768 Remains as part of the main road in use today I left my heart on Etchilhampton Hill Under a badger’s nest I left my heart on Etchilhampton Hill It made a mess
8.
Book Johnson 06:00
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Oh Book Johnson I see you running Running over Fields and glens The desert sands Book Johnson Always running The bus left Half an hour ago Book Johnson Oh Book Johnson You didn’t pay the bill And now they’re getting Really stroppy with you Book Johnson Can’t find a cash machine Hence Their general stroppiness Oh Book Johnson Trying to sell All your clothes on the table top sale Next to Argos Book Johnson Had to do a refund On an old pair Of jeans Book Johnson They weren’t even yours Oh Book Johnson Went into the bar Went straight Back out of the bar Book Johnson They didn’t serve Perrier Oh Book Johnson At the small airfield Waiting for the next big plane Book Johnson Waiting Waiting Waiting Waiting It never came Book Johnson Book Johnson I’m sorry about what happened To your aunt Book Johnson She was putting up wallpaper But she can’t Book Johnson Oh Book Johnson
9.
Bowed 03:16
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10.
It's Wasn't Magic 02:30
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She said it wasn’t magic It was only the bus turning up There are routes all over this city It’s only the bus turning up She sat upstairs She was the only one up there Saw the neon from Debenhams Reflected in reverse She said it wasn’t magic But the night had a magic of its own What with the neon from Debenhams That I just mentioned back there She had a text message From a saint He said Your bill is available to view online It was written in neon In the forefront Of her brain But to anyone on the outside It just looked like Comic sans She was on the bus And it didn’t feel like magic Just like felt like the number twelve A Gets as far as Goodrington And turns round and comes back to Paignton For no apparent reason She said it wasn’t magic It was only a day rider And the neon And the saint And the text message And police Interceptors when she got home that night Oh yeah
11.
Goodbye 08:33
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Kangaroos Plastic Shrimp Racing through time Go away don’t stare Going Fuselage Antiestablishmentarianism Your face! What does that even mean Haberdashery Haberdashery Haberdashery What even is my life You took my face Meow Bye bye people Join us Tortoise Bye bye I like coffee I do I like cookies I do They’re browning up nice Oh no A donkey catch you Napalm Irrelevant verbs Whoa Pam Ayres Ooh ooh ha ha Heh heh Buckle Insurmountable Insurmountable Insurmountable Insurmountable Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Okay Hello Hello Is anybody there Hello Hello Hello Hello Goodbye Bye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye

about

Hey! You hip cats, we've got a banging new sound that all the kids will enjoy!

The Croydon Tourist Office have written well over a thousand tunes for your listening pleasure. This collection brings together 11 ditties that were performed live before a mesmerised and unsuspecting crowd. No attendees were harmed in process of capturing performances for posterity.

Carefully crafted with the greatest attention to detail in every important sonic nuance, these four chaps and their friends bring you tales of woe, Police Interceptors, midget Cowboys who answer to the name of Book Johnson, and so much more to come.

We all hope you enjoy this collection and hope that you, like all of us, eagerly await the next album from these fine gentlemen.

credits

released July 27, 2014

Epicentre Nights was performed by Croydon Tourist Office and recorded by Bryce Dumont at the late, great Epicentre Book Cafe, Paignton, England.

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Croydon Tourist Office England, UK

Croydon Tourist Office came together from a series of music writing and production workshops at Epicentre Book Cafe in Paignton, England.

The line up varies based on who is at the session or the gig, but the core members are Robert Garnham, Bryce Dumont, John Samuel, and Max Coulson. ... more

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