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Physical Trauma to Wash Your Waffles

by Croydon Tourist Office

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1.
Croydon Tourist Office 03:28
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Arriving at the town of Croydon Intent on visiting and having a good old poke around The museum of quilting I discovered quite to my consternation As I left the railway station That I had no idea where the museum of quilting was Well wouldn’t you know it I happened to notice the other side of the street The gleaming facade of Croydon tourist office So I went inside and I asked the ladies in there And they’d only been there a few moments after opening How I could find the museum of quilting Well she said Um it’s only my first day But I believe if you Turn left at the lights Go down past the Tesco metro And take a right just outside Poundland You’ll be somewhere in the town centre It should be around there There’s um There’s like a pedestrianised area where sometimes we have um Guests and vocals and all kinds of crazy things going on But to be honest I don’t really know where they museum of quilting is So I left I was apt to respond that maybe There wasn’t much information she was giving me But anyway I found the museum of quilting And had a good old look around And did everything I needed to do and I Got the hell out of there Couple of months later I was telling a friend about this Admittedly not very interesting little anecdote And um He looked and me all quizzically and he said What on earth has Croydon got a tourist office for? I suppose they get tourists every now and then Wouldn’t want to stay there for the whole day
2.
Kerchunk 02:47
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So Robert Tell me about that packet that you’re holding there Yes yes The packet Sweets packet What’s yours? Well mine was Salt and vinegar flavour maize and potato snacks I’ve got bubblegum flavoured sweets Oh that’s cool So can you tell me what’s the What’s the nutritional value of these What’s the sort of energy value per hundred grams Per hundred grams The energy I have here is One five seven two KJ KJ? KJ yes One five seven two Mine’s two oh nine two You’ve won that one That’s per one hundred grams obviously Yeah Per pack it would be Four one nine KJ Um mine is actually per half a pack For some reason It’s four eleven That’s really weird I’m guessing per pack It’s going to be eight two two or so That’s strange Doesn’t really make sense Does it It doesn’t really What have you got for um Carbohydrate Carbohydrate I’ve got Fifty nine point three grams Crikey I’ve got eighty seven point nine Blimey Uh grams Is that per one hundred grams Or is that per pack That’s per the hundred Yes Oh okay So we’re actually looking at More carbohydrates here Okay How about fibre Fats Of which saturates Or I mean All it says is less than Naught point five grams Oh mine just says Three point one grams It doesn’t really give you any options Right It’s just fibre We’re actually looking at more fat in yours In yours then Aren’t we I think we probably are yeah You’ve won that one Okay Jolly good Salt content Salt content one point eight grams Naught point eight One point eight One point eight Crikey I’ve only got naught point naught nine Oh wow Oh I just seem to keep winning Don’t I What I’m thinking is This one here is actually probably Slightly better for you Yeah I think so I think this one’s Yeah definitely ah It could be quite dodgy if you ate too much of it really Do you have any artificial colours Or flavourings Um Let me have a look Let me see Ah There’s some citric acid in this Citric acid Really Yeah I’ve got glucose fructose syrup whatever Oh yes I’ve got citric acid
3.
Punch it in Our Hearts 05:05
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I read the bible They were watching a string It’s the word of a shotgun Numbers are growing Look over there Behind the great eye Truth isn’t necessary You’re a good guy It’s blue I trusted you We don’t want To improve Abusing freedom of the cheque Life is a tour bus ticking to my birthplace Punch it in our hearts this life Punch it in our hearts this life Punch it in our hearts this life Punch it in our hearts Cocodamol makes everything better Cocodamol makes the blisters look fresher I must have a ball and paper game Boil water put spaghetti in my brain It’s blue I trusted you We don’t want To improve On my own side of the mainstream This is the old fashioned method of counting Punch it in our hearts this life Punch it in our hearts this life Punch it in our hearts this life Punch it in our hearts Face the pink one Physical trauma to wash your waffles Face the pink one Face the pink one Punch it in our hearts this life Punch it in our hearts this life Punch it in our hearts this life Punch it in our hearts Possible highlight of cookie cutter opinions Particularly on the yellow triangle of debt It’s blue I trusted you We don’t want To improve Punch it in our hearts In our hearts this life Punch it in our hearts Punch it in our In our hearts In our Hearts Ah
4.
Post Office Mice 02:42
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Oh it was a crazy Thursday morning at the Post Office There were mice nibbling At the corners of the letters The ones going in And the ones going out And the ones on Second class stamps Oh those crazy mice Oh it was a placid Tuesday morning at the Post Office You should have seen those mice They weren’t very nice Some of them had lice One was called Bryce So that’s when the Post Office manager said We’re gonna get a cat And that’ll be that Or I’ll eat my hat There were mice in the kitchen And mice on the weighing scales And mice in the queue For the bureau de change And mice on the self-service machine And mice on the bubble wrap dispenser And mice in the fridge Eating Penelope’s sandwich And mice in the franking apparatus Mice in the attic But nobody went up there And mice in the place Where Brian parks his van And mice in the mop cupboard And mice in the paperclip box Mice everywhere In the Post Office Mice aplenty
5.
The Shoes 02:28
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She wore shoes Shoes that fit on her feet Shoes that went above her ankle But did not exceed her mid calf Shoes The colour of night Shoes the colour of onyx or ebony Or an opaque shopping bag from a novelty sex shop Where you’d be embarrassed if the general public saw its contents They were black The shoes Were black But not just black They were shiny too Not shiny in a polished leather kind of way Not shiny like brand new wellies They were shiny like diamonds Along the threads that stitched them together were bands of shiny ribbon so bright They made emeralds look like your typical cashier at Tesco I’m talking dull Which is what they weren’t They were so bright You couldn’t help but notice them when she walked by These shoes were so bright You would burn your eyes out to look at them too long But you would want to look at them Because they were perfect They were flawless They were such works of art They didn’t belong on her feet They belonged at the Tate Modern But what did she do with these works of art? She wore them She wore them like nobody could because they were hers These shoes, from the tip of the toe to the back of the heel From the bottom of the sole to the tops of the eyelets They were hers These shoes that would have traumatised a man with a serious foot fetish They were hers She wouldn’t let anyone near them These brilliant gems of foot apparel These bright beacons that would have saved a thousand ships From certain death on a rocky coast during a squall These shoes that were made for walking just As much as they were made for blinding They were hers I don’t even know if she took them off for bed Whatever she did They were too precious for anyone to even touch They had such long, lustrous laces Threaded through such lovely eyes Their soles didn’t seem to touch the ground And yet left intricate patterns in her wake When I spoke to her I couldn’t help but let my eyes drift down to her feet But one day, she waved goodbye And all I could do was watch as those shoes walked out of my life Forever
6.
ROCK!!! 01:02
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I am the lord of the dance! I want all kinds of love Wa! I want all kinds of love Wa! I want all kinds of love Wa! Wa! I want all kinds of love Wa! I want all kinds of love Give it to me hard and rough! Give it to me baby Till you can't give no more love! Till you can't give no more love! Till you can't give no more love! Wa!

about

Croydon Tourist Office are

Max Coulson
Bryce Dumont
Robert Garnham
John Samuel

credits

released November 16, 2016

Additional players:

Julian Lee Seager - Drums on The Shoes
Ryanna Mae Lloyd - intro guitars on Kerchunk
Richard Nicholson - outro guitars on Punch it in Our Hearts

Front cover photograph by Eric Hunt, used under the provisions of the creative commons licence 2.5 creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.5/
Back cover photographs by Robert Garnham.

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Croydon Tourist Office image

Croydon Tourist Office England, UK

Croydon Tourist Office came together from a series of music writing and production workshops at Epicentre Book Cafe in Paignton, England.

The line up varies based on who is at the session or the gig, but the core members are Robert Garnham, Bryce Dumont, John Samuel, and Max Coulson. ... more

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