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Croydon Tourist Office Are Electric

by Croydon Tourist Office

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1.
Notwithstanding Several attempts by many in the Californian community to Attribute the invention of Performance poetry to their particular Clique Or the claims of those within the British poetic movement To assign invention of this genre to Those who are of different and divergent Backgrounds There remains a theory within the English departments of Some major university establishments that the Invention of performance poetry Can be traced to the moment in June 1953 When Professor Zazzo Thiim Accidentally sat on a harpsichord While reciting the works Of Lord Byron Indeed it was seen as the most whimsical and amusing moment of the Basingstoke literary season Mainly on account of the audience reaction Sheer disbelief mixed with a Fair amount of loathing And the apparent embarrassment Not only of Thiim himself but Also the Mayor And Arthur Miller To whom the harpsichord belonged There were immediate appeals for A repetition of Thiim's ground-breaking And harpsichord-breaking Work Indeed he was asked To perform it on the radio To general acclaim And before the United States Ambassador Who later turned out just to be A man in a hat who happened to be passing Performance poetry was born. Thiim Was astounded at the fact that He had invented an entire new genre He began writing his own verse Which he would perform either Sitting on a harpsichord Astride a harpsichord While playing a harpsichord While lying on a harpsichord And finally While lying underneath a harpsichord This lasted for Six years Until a colleague is said to have inquired of him What is it with You and all these bloody harpsichords anyway He turned up at the next poetry event With a mouth organ Throughout this time not only did Thiim write poems to Fit in with his harpsichord-smashing regime But he also began to dissemble And play around With the poetic form Working in unison With the University of Brixham He began to look at poems in more detail Than any other literary practitioner Until he acquired a reputation As a poetic experimenter Poems were shot from cannons Poems were jumped up and down on One poem Was whispered to the Queen Who was asked to pass it on She didn't One poem Entitled twenty three and a half seconds of silence Was performed As twenty three and a half seconds Of silence
2.
Late Train 04:34
Well I’ll just stand here like a lemon then shall I Where’s that train you promised me I’d really like to be on it I got places I need to get to And here is not one of them Any old train will do Any old daffa chaffa diesel puffer Any old sad sack terribly slack single track clickity clack Send a choo choo through without much ado Where’s my train I know it’s in your jurisdiction It’s really not an imposition Your timetable should win the Booker Prize Because it’s a work of fiction Just send me a train I won’t name and shame your company But your trains head west And your website calls you great And the info screen says you’re late So that means You’re great And western And a railway I phoned the customer helpline They said What’s your login details What’s your ticket type Now dance for us fat boy Dance for us Bark like a dog Woof Woof Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha These calls may be recorded for training purposes Trains that are meant to be in After my train Are arriving before it How is that even possible Did they fly over the top of my train Are they magic trains Zig zagging through the air like drunken dragons I whistle Kick my heels I sip my bottled water You know Like they do in films Is there a fault on the train Are there operational difficulties Has the buffet car run out of casseroles Is there a weasel on the line Is there some pervy bloke pleasuring himself in the vestibule Has the driver’s head exploded Because he’s been reading Will Self again Has the train manager got struck by lightning Mind you He is a conductor Whatever it is You’re keeping it to yourself Just like you’ve done with the train The one that should be here The one that I should be on But hey Stiff upper lip and all that Oh why me I just want my train It’s driving me insane I’ll change my life I’ll never be the same again I’ll be nicer Kinder Ever so emotive Just send along that locomotive Where oh where oh where’s the bloody train Oh here it comes now Looks kind of like a drunken hippopotamus Shuffle shuffle Shuffle shuffle Take your time love
3.
She sells seashells on the seashore The seashore is Littered with hundreds Thousands of seashells Turn around Sheryl Look at them Why would I buy seashells from Dee When there’s loads of them just Deposited by the sea It’s for the tourists She replied I went to a café and asked For a black coffee Sat at a Formica table The salt and pepper packets Were kept in upturned seashells From the beach I asked No the waitress said From Sheryl They’re hand picked and quality controlled She brushes all the crud out with a toothbrush They’re good seashells mind Black coffee wasn’t it Do you want milk with that Absentmindedly The waitress poured milk In my coffee And then an Argos delivery lorry pulled up Blocking the view of Sheryl Yet again I thought it was about time I went and Lived Somewhere else Oh yes That sounds good Yep Here we go then Ready Yep All right then Not too bad not too bad Honest is the best policy Don’t matter if your car has been towed Honest is the best policy It doesn’t matter if you’re on the road Honest is the best policy Doesn’t matter what you’ve been owed Honest is the best policy Oh my god my car’s been towed Have you ever been up to the big far north Oh my god it’s cold Have you ever been up to the big far north I’d go but I’m getting too old Have you ever been up to Oh my The tundra You seen it there It melts you know It gets too warm Don’t want it too warm up there Honest is the best policy Don’t matter if your car has been towed Honest is the best policy Doesn’t matter how much you’ve been owed Honest is the best policy If you’re standing in the middle of the road Honest is the best policy This is my ode Watching the northern lights Watching them Watching the northern lights upstairs I say Jack Would you care for this dance I know it’s getting late But we’ve both been here for quite awhile That makes us both losers I guess We’re the last ones standing I might go up to the bar in a minute Ask for a nice cup of tea No need to scowl sonny boy It’s only a dance Take my hand now Honest is the best policy Don’t matter if your car has been towed Honest is the best policy Doesn’t matter how much you’ve been owed Honest is the best policy This is my ode Jack Where are you going What do you mean you’ve got a bus to catch Just go outside There’s a Northern lights Jack Jack
4.
I was forced to be a believer We lost sixteen chickens and a goat A strange howling in the night And a huge figure In the pasture next door The Spottsville Monster A lone motorist on Basket Lane A hairy ape-like a thing caught in the headlines It reared up with an evil intent Next to some trees and a small thicket The Spottsville Monster Gun toting ape hunters eager for the kill Sheltering from the rain In a long-abandoned barn A huge hairy midsection Short muzzle Pointed fangs and strange red eyes That frighten them to the soul The Spottsville Monster Midnight howling In the western Kentucky bottomlands The females are shorter than the males but They also possess beards Stocky build Furry breasts Short dank hair Were they just hairy people The investigator asked No The Spottsville Monster They can run thirty-five to forty miles per hours The Spottsville Monster An investigator once found a large tooth The Spottsville Monster Either friendly or malignant Depending on the content of your heart The Spottsville Monster Were they just hairy people The investigator asked The Spottsville Monster Entranced I go a-wandering Floating about the grounds of ethereal mists She’s calling to me She sings with all the beauty of the ages Let us dance under the stars Let us make these fools into gibbering wrecks Just by being different Or maybe It was just local youths With a discount coupon at the fancy dress shop
5.
Fortune the sun in my eyes Where do you go from here You’ve been hanging around my place I thought I’d made myself clear But you don’t want to move You don’t want to go Whenever I asked you why You said I don’t know What have I done this time How have I cocked it up What have I done this time Why am I out of luck You found me in your bed Eating a box of crisps Crumbs in your duvet You always knew the risks But you said I should go You said I should go Whenever I asked you why You said I don’t know What have I done this time How have I cocked it up What have I done this time Why am I out of luck
6.
I heard a friend Come off the rails Come off the rails Come off the rails I heard a friend Come off the rails Come off the rails Come off the rails Surely I answered That’s a good thing Why Let me explain Rails are solid And they hit The journey is predestined That we all must follow some paths That our destination is unwavering That we must not take a more interesting route And that’s why it’s not the end of the world That he has come off the rails Come off the rails Come off the rails Come off the rails For he is living his life Yes they replied Yes they replied That he was driving the OA47 From Woking to Guildford Come off the rails Come off the rails Come off the rails
7.
So Happy 04:14
I’m happy I really think I’m happy Listen to me I’m happy Oh I’m happy So incredibly happy I wake each morning and I’m Happy Oh it’s so good I’m happy Seriously happy Very happy You know with the way things are going Oh when you’re happy Everybody’s happy Everybody laughs cause they’re feeling so happy Oh when you’re happy Everybody’s happy Everybody laughs cause they’re feeling so happy I’m happy I’m happy Yes why Why wouldn’t I be happy I mean Oh when I’m happy Everybody’s happy Everybody laugh cause they’re feeling so happy I’m happy Everybody’s happy Everybody laugh cause they’re feeling so happy I’m happy I think I’m happy Pretty sure I’m happy I mean I woke this morning and I thought I’m happy Happy with that Oh when you’re happy Everybody’s happy Everybody laughs cause they’re feeling so happy Oh when you’re happy Everybody’s happy Everybody laughs cause they’re feeling so happy I’m happy Got to be really haven’t I I’m happy Why Why wouldn’t I be Oh when you’re happy Everybody’s happy Everybody laughs cause they’re feeling so happy Oh when you’re happy Everybody’s happy Everybody laughs cause they’re feeling so happy I’m happy Oh when you’re happy Everybody’s happy Everybody laughs cause they’re feeling so happy Very happy I’m happy Very Happy It’s There’s so much to be happy about Oh when you’re happy Everybody’s happy Everybody laughs cause they’re feeling so happy Oh when you’re happy Everybody’s happy Everybody laughs cause they’re feeling so happy I’m happy Are you happy Got to be happy Just got to be haven’t you Happy Just be happy Why can’t you be happy Be happy Just wish you’d be happy Oh when you’re happy Everybody’s happy Everybody laughs cause they’re feeling so happy Oh when you’re happy Everybody’s happy Everybody laughs cause they’re feeling so happy I’m happy Be happy Happy Be happy Oh when you’re happy Everybody’s happy Everybody laughs cause they’re feeling so happy Oh when you’re happy Everybody’s happy Everybody laughs cause they’re feeling so happy I’m happy Just be happy I’m happy Just Be happy Oh when you’re happy Everybody’s happy Everybody laughs cause they’re feeling so happy I’m happy Happy now
8.
Sparky 1 03:20
When is the time Where is the place What shall we do Look at your face Where is this place I think I’m lost Where is this place We are all lost When is the time Where is the place What shall we do Look at your face I saw you dancing in A nightclub way down south You came over to me A smile on your mouth Where is the time Where is the place What shall we do What shall we do Morning in the city There’s laughter in the air I want to go with you Anywhere somewhere When is the time Where is the place What shall we do Look at your face What is this this thing called love And why is it so hard to be here alone Are you still dancing I don’t feel like dancing Does anyone anymore
9.
Our lady star of the see Subtle shift in gravity Carpark on ancient truth Holds its own on roots of truth I’m sorry Stephanie It’s the backs of your knees Your ankles and pretty heels Chased by French stick on wheels What a hydraulic way to spend my time And an attenuated bell to throw in polls I’m throwing a postcode at your head Squinting at palm trees and the failing light Our lady star of the sea Stranglehold on sanity He thought he was from Kensington The poor bastard He was actually from East Hunsbury Silver screen I saw it on the silver screen God help us if it’s true God help us if it’s true Fifteen times I saw the world pass me by Fifteen times just this week alone It’s getting faster I don’t think the sisters will be happy but What can you do It’s It’s full of crows Full to the brim I’d say Not even enough room for a mint imperial What’s some spilled nouns between Friends and neighbours A baker’s dozen is a butcher’s thousand Remember that We don’t want to be caught out use the metric system Not in this climate Sacrifice is plenty Sacrifice is fine Do the hokey pokey As we drown them in brine Chocolate button up your jacket potato young jostler We have a long ride ahead of us Steep landing sir Arthur A penny dropped is one for the megabus But lose a tuppence And we’ll be standing in silk shoes from her until Solstice Dorian doesn’t believe in such nonsense Brought from the brink no doubt but A land of opportunity Let’s just say I won’t be putting any cream upon the wheels Starving artists Stretch my limbs No contact No contact No contact God is in the asking tank Swim over to him and the details will become clearer Always remember that Especially when they try to break us apart Swim along the dotted line All the way to the asking tank Please try and remember that Please And maybe on that day After the fires And spears And glass Being tossed into the eyes of Unsuspecting youths Maybe We can gather and just say We did it We’re not sure what it was But whatever it was It was done And arguably We were involved Frightening stuff But then So is everything There’s never been a car Goddo’s time Remits to dog Goddo’s time Remits to dog Goddo’s time Remits to dog Goddo’s time Remits to dog Too shabby for chic But too nutty for smooth It’s a It’s a hodgepodge of DNA from Various species Including the elementals Look a grassy Also known as Reality programmers Steve Steve it’s not necessary mate It’s not necessary It’s It’s just not necessary We’ll be okay We’ll be okay Carole will be back soon and She’s bought eggs We’ll be okay Have Have you seen how many birds How many birds are in the garden right now It’s It’s twenty six Twenty six It’s unthinkable I mean I never Even considered Removing my legs Not for some time anyway Twenty six It’s unfathomable Destruction paves the way We don’t We don’t like to think about that Destruction paves the way But But warm milk Flows Readily From all Major canals Destruction Stranglehold on sanity Milk In the canals For the record I never asked you to go I just implied that Maybe Maybe we needed some Some Bovril But The more I think about it the more I think Maybe this is for the best Maybe The warmth That surrounds me Is simply a Powerful Immutable sense Of hunger Get off my fucking biscuits Okay that one was really stupid It’s a rainy night Here in the city It’s only me here in the studio The phone lines are open but No one ever calls Though I can feel all those lost souls The night shifts The insomniacs Looking at the rain as it rolls down their windowpanes The empty streets reflecting the Sodium glare of solitary streetlights Scattershot neon The dull overcast night sky stained brown Here’s a sleazy jazz number Plaintive For the forgotten A sad sack’s penetrating aching limbs Sweat soaked chests Sheets flung aside The cool fingers of a night A porcelain ghost Drumming along with the relentless rain A midnight poet awake at his desk In a pool of light On the thirty second floor His words have all become meaningless But here’s your jazz numberless fella It’s a rainy night in the city I purr into the microphone Lull my listeners with inconsequential thoughts Philosophy for the broken hearted Here’s some more cool jazz Cool fresh from the fridge That might be open Radio signals bounce and slide Between the skyscrapers I’m the friend in the corner A scratchy crackle A solitary bar hugging oracle Bringing solace to the forgotten Imagine such a life Untethered by Societal need The need to belong to To walk freely among the owls and the men A life Surrounded not by Trinkets and Letters to David Cameron but To live freely To live Crawling upon astroturf Wailing like some sort of mad Evangelist We don’t We don’t scream we don’t shout we don’t We don’t howl in frustration we Simply look up and say Vrrrrrr Vrrrrrr That’s that’s that’s all we do And we wonder why Why the ground crumbles we wonder why Mountains Spin clockwise Upon the simple pull of a cord Now a great great philosopher once said Ooh boy howdy That’s a humdinger And you know I did I didn’t I didn’t understand it at the time It felt It felt too alien I I hadn’t lived enough I suppose but You know you hear these things with the With the context of Of Warm milk Flowing through the canals and You just think to yourself My god And we’ve fought how many wars now Twelve Four It’s incalculable But you know Maybe just maybe Frankly it’s It’s useless to us We can’t We can’t weaponise it We can’t eat it We certainly can’t Tie it into knots And use it to Pull boats and Cattle across Treacherous terrain You know we eat Oatmeal For every meal Seven or eight times a day and And we’re just conditioned to think That’s normal Yeah but sometimes you just You look up at Look up at the stars You just gaze Longingly at At the stars as they form images Images of David Hasselhoff and Mikhail Gorbachev You just You just look at them and And and They infect you They they they They infect your mind like some sort of a Mad parasite It’s not ideal You know we have to We have to start somewhere I suppose We have to live And die And birth The young From our Mounds of pulsating flesh And it And with that there is a certain Beauty There’s a certain Higher power that That you can’t help but look towards and say Oom bah Oom bah hep We know the way To steppity step And it’s It’s something we don’t want That maybe one day When the dust settles We’ll appreciate it One can only hope We can’t survive On bread and We need milk Warm milk Flowing through the canals
10.
All I can jump are the fires you’ve lit Yet you have the cheek to call me the arsonist Would be the most amazing opening line of a poem But the world I inhabit isn’t merely so melodramatic And in any case I always wanted to start a poem with the word Notwithstanding I grew up in the suburbs Lulled to sleep by sirens And the electric flash from late night trains And life was as beige as my dad’s Ford Cortina My camp mannerisms coming across if anything In our council estate as more an aspiration To poshness I was always pained by the fact that I was not a time lord Nor a Pet Shop Boy And looking back with the benefit of hindsight I was probably just a pain in the arse With a vivid imagination and a bizarre fascination with Jammy Dodgers and Bob Newhart You can avoid the elephant in the room as much as you like But at some point You’re going to have to clean up its droppings And look what it’s done to the sofa I went to the fair And I saw a sign which read coconut shy And I thought I know how it feels I was never interested in poetry I remember my English teacher saying Now I’m going to read a poem by Percy Bysshe Shelley And all the way through the only thing I could ponder As his silver tongue smoothed over Shelley’s surreptitious syllables was What kind of name is Bysshe I’d imagine myself regenerating And having a whole new body And then go home and explore it in great detail Because it would have blond hair And a nicer face And I’d be so much thinner And my personality would be much much much much much more outgoing And maybe then Aaron would like me And the stars would dance And the universe implode And I’d finally be me Me me and the end titles would roll The doctor Robert Garnham And the theme music would play The school careers officer asked me What I’d like to do But I couldn’t say Neil Tennant Because the position was already filled Would I write a book Or should I take to the stage Forty years later I became a performance poet And kind of did both I told her I wanted to work in a garden centre I remember where I was When the shuttle exploded I have an alibi That hum of energy I took to be the hum of London Reaching out to guide my nervous hand into its Sweaty utopian embrace Turned out to be the fridge Standing in front of the mirror No sign of a regeneration yet The reason I’d spent so long in the closet Was because I was pretending That it was the Tardis Through the distant crack of longwave radio I’d hear electric storms on those humid nights When it was so hot you couldn’t possibly sleep But through the static would come Bob Newhart And I’d listen to his button-down voice And look out over the whole of London At those voluminous clouds lit up within With sheet lightning And I’d wish that I were as brave as Bob Newhart Because he was obviously also just a shy person Who had somehow found his way of making people laugh And who knows one day it might also happen to me I went to the fair with my brother Jim When somebody through a tomato at him Now a tomato is soft when its wrapped in its skin But this here tomato was wrapped in a tin The kid next door was a pyromaniac You can’t really sleep properly When you think that the house is on fire Gonna be another thunderstorm tonight Now over to Bill with the sport All the houses looked the same Until dad slapped on a coat of beige paint That matched the beige of our Ford Cortina Parked the Ford Cortina against the wall Oh no where’s the Ford Cortina Oh there it is They’re both beige As beige as the suburbs As beige as my ski jacket As beige as the fifth doctor’s Edwardian frockcoat As beige as my realisation that regeneration Is a lifelong progression As beige as the smoke rising from the neighbour’s shed And I still adore the Pets And Bob Newhart creases me up Because he’s not showy Or shouty He’s just kind of beige But beige can be hilarious And wouldn’t you know it I actually did manage to travel in time Cause sometimes I see old photos of me And all I can do is jump the fires that I lit Which would be A damn good last line Of a poem

about

When we were recording Take it Easy, a lot of the songs were things we had been recording before the lockdown. Toward the end of the three months we spent putting that record together, we started working on some more electronic oriented songs, as can be heard on the Fabulous EP. The songs here are the result of the other songs that we had been working on since then.

credits

released January 16, 2023

Robert, John, Max, and Bryce were joined on this record by their friends Mike McGee, Kelley Mayne and Felix Dumont whose contributions were essential to the development of these songs.

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about

Croydon Tourist Office England, UK

Croydon Tourist Office came together from a series of music writing and production workshops at Epicentre Book Cafe in Paignton, England.

The line up varies based on who is at the session or the gig, but the core members are Robert Garnham, Bryce Dumont, John Samuel, and Max Coulson.
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