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1. |
Croydon Tourist Office
03:28
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Arriving at the town of Croydon
Intent on visiting and having a good old poke around
The museum of quilting
I discovered quite to my consternation
As I left the railway station
That I had no idea where the museum of quilting was
Well wouldn’t you know it
I happened to notice the other side of the street
The gleaming facade of Croydon tourist office
So I went inside and
I asked the ladies in there
And they’d only been there a few moments after opening
How I could find the museum of quilting
Well she said
Um it’s only my first day
But I believe if you
Turn left at the lights
Go down past the Tesco metro
And take a right just outside Poundland
You’ll be somewhere in the town centre
It should be around there
There’s um
There’s like a pedestrianised area where sometimes we have um
Guests and vocals and all kinds of crazy things going on
But to be honest I don’t really know where they museum of quilting is
So I left
I was apt to respond that maybe
There wasn’t much information she was giving me
But anyway I found the museum of quilting
And had a good old look around
And did everything I needed to do and I
Got the hell out of there
Couple of months later
I was telling a friend about this
Admittedly not very interesting little anecdote
And um
He looked and me all quizzically and he said
What on earth has Croydon got a tourist office for?
I suppose they get tourists every now and then
Wouldn’t want to stay there for the whole day
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2. |
Kerchunk
02:47
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So Robert
Tell me about that packet that you’re holding there
Yes yes
The packet
Sweets packet
What’s yours?
Well mine was
Salt and vinegar flavour maize and potato snacks
I’ve got bubblegum flavoured sweets
Oh that’s cool
So can you tell me what’s the
What’s the nutritional value of these
What’s the sort of energy value per hundred grams
Per hundred grams
The energy I have here is
One five seven two KJ
KJ?
KJ yes
One five seven two
Mine’s two oh nine two
You’ve won that one
That’s per one hundred grams obviously
Yeah
Per pack it would be
Four one nine KJ
Um mine is actually per half a pack
For some reason
It’s four eleven
That’s really weird
I’m guessing per pack
It’s going to be eight two two or so
That’s strange
Doesn’t really make sense
Does it
It doesn’t really
What have you got for um
Carbohydrate
Carbohydrate I’ve got
Fifty nine point three grams
Crikey
I’ve got eighty seven point nine
Blimey
Uh grams
Is that per one hundred grams
Or is that per pack
That’s per the hundred
Yes
Oh okay
So we’re actually looking at
More carbohydrates here
Okay
How about fibre
Fats
Of which saturates
Or
I mean
All it says is less than
Naught point five grams
Oh mine just says
Three point one grams
It doesn’t really give you any options
Right
It’s just fibre
We’re actually looking at more fat in yours
In yours then
Aren’t we
I think we probably are yeah
You’ve won that one
Okay
Jolly good
Salt content
Salt content one point eight grams
Naught point eight
One point eight
One point eight
Crikey
I’ve only got naught point naught nine
Oh wow
Oh I just seem to keep winning
Don’t I
What I’m thinking is
This one here is actually probably
Slightly better for you
Yeah I think so
I think this one’s
Yeah definitely ah
It could be quite dodgy if you ate too much of it really
Do you have any artificial colours
Or flavourings
Um
Let me have a look
Let me see
Ah
There’s some citric acid in this
Citric acid
Really
Yeah
I’ve got glucose fructose syrup whatever
Oh yes
I’ve got citric acid
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3. |
Punch it in Our Hearts
05:05
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I read the bible
They were watching a string
It’s the word of a shotgun
Numbers are growing
Look over there
Behind the great eye
Truth isn’t necessary
You’re a good guy
It’s blue
I trusted you
We don’t want
To improve
Abusing freedom of the cheque
Life is a tour bus ticking to my birthplace
Punch it in our hearts this life
Punch it in our hearts this life
Punch it in our hearts this life
Punch it in our hearts
Cocodamol makes everything better
Cocodamol makes the blisters look fresher
I must have a ball and paper game
Boil water put spaghetti in my brain
It’s blue
I trusted you
We don’t want
To improve
On my own side of the mainstream
This is the old fashioned method of counting
Punch it in our hearts this life
Punch it in our hearts this life
Punch it in our hearts this life
Punch it in our hearts
Face the pink one
Physical trauma to wash your waffles
Face the pink one
Face the pink one
Punch it in our hearts this life
Punch it in our hearts this life
Punch it in our hearts this life
Punch it in our hearts
Possible highlight of cookie cutter opinions
Particularly on the yellow triangle of debt
It’s blue
I trusted you
We don’t want
To improve
Punch it in our hearts
In our hearts this life
Punch it in our hearts
Punch it in our
In our hearts
In our
Hearts
Ah
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4. |
Post Office Mice
02:42
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Oh it was a crazy Thursday morning at the
Post Office
There were mice nibbling
At the corners of the letters
The ones going in
And the ones going out
And the ones on
Second class stamps
Oh those crazy mice
Oh it was a placid Tuesday morning at the
Post Office
You should have seen those mice
They weren’t very nice
Some of them had lice
One was called Bryce
So that’s when the Post Office manager said
We’re gonna get a cat
And that’ll be that
Or I’ll eat my hat
There were mice in the kitchen
And mice on the weighing scales
And mice in the queue
For the bureau de change
And mice on the self-service machine
And mice on the bubble wrap dispenser
And mice in the fridge
Eating Penelope’s sandwich
And mice in the franking apparatus
Mice in the attic
But nobody went up there
And mice in the place
Where Brian parks his van
And mice in the mop cupboard
And mice in the paperclip box
Mice everywhere
In the Post Office
Mice aplenty
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5. |
The Shoes
02:28
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She wore shoes
Shoes that fit on her feet
Shoes that went above her ankle
But did not exceed her mid calf
Shoes
The colour of night
Shoes the colour of onyx or ebony
Or an opaque shopping bag from a novelty sex shop
Where you’d be embarrassed if the general public saw its contents
They were black
The shoes
Were black
But not just black
They were shiny too
Not shiny in a polished leather kind of way
Not shiny like brand new wellies
They were shiny like diamonds
Along the threads that stitched them together were bands of shiny ribbon so bright
They made emeralds look like your typical cashier at Tesco
I’m talking dull
Which is what they weren’t
They were so bright
You couldn’t help but notice them when she walked by
These shoes were so bright
You would burn your eyes out to look at them too long
But you would want to look at them
Because they were perfect
They were flawless
They were such works of art
They didn’t belong on her feet
They belonged at the Tate Modern
But what did she do with these works of art?
She wore them
She wore them like nobody could because they were hers
These shoes, from the tip of the toe to the back of the heel
From the bottom of the sole to the tops of the eyelets
They were hers
These shoes that would have traumatised a man with a serious foot fetish
They were hers
She wouldn’t let anyone near them
These brilliant gems of foot apparel
These bright beacons that would have saved a thousand ships
From certain death on a rocky coast during a squall
These shoes that were made for walking just
As much as they were made for blinding
They were hers
I don’t even know if she took them off for bed
Whatever she did
They were too precious for anyone to even touch
They had such long, lustrous laces
Threaded through such lovely eyes
Their soles didn’t seem to touch the ground
And yet left intricate patterns in her wake
When I spoke to her
I couldn’t help but let my eyes drift down to her feet
But one day, she waved goodbye
And all I could do was watch as those shoes walked out of my life
Forever
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6. |
ROCK!!!
01:02
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I am the lord of the dance!
I want all kinds of love
Wa!
I want all kinds of love
Wa!
I want all kinds of love
Wa! Wa!
I want all kinds of love
Wa!
I want all kinds of love
Give it to me hard and rough!
Give it to me baby
Till you can't give no more love!
Till you can't give no more love!
Till you can't give no more love!
Wa!
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Croydon Tourist Office England, UK
Croydon Tourist Office came together from a series of music writing and production workshops at Epicentre Book Cafe in
Paignton, England.
The line up varies based on who is at the session or the gig, but the core members are Robert Garnham, Bryce Dumont, John Samuel, and Max Coulson.
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